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#1 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 26.06.2009 – 18:15

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Довго думала, де створювати тему - тут чи в гуморі, вирішила все-таки тут.

Ось кілька на мою думку смішних історій)
Довгі, але почитайте, не пошкодуєте)))

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

Пишіть свої)

#2 kalamar


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Відправлено 22.07.2009 – 02:49

A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny
A canner can can anything that he can
But a canner can`t can a can, can he?

Лимерики http://home.earthlin...ice/lims2a.html
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#3 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 26.07.2009 – 12:41

Не тільки смішно, але й дуже цікаво)

Great Moments in Physics
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics

І знову про фізику)

Einstein's Chauffer
This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.
After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"
"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"
And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.
Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"
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#4 Twinkle


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Відправлено 29.07.2009 – 22:43

Mother: Jane, what is Mary doing?
Jane: Well, if the ice is as thick as she thinks it is, she is skating, but if the ice is as thin as I think, she is swimming.
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#5 Oleg Pal


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Відправлено 22.09.2009 – 07:00

Jokes form the teacher-polyglot

One day the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Why do you ignore guides and test-books in English published in Cambridge or Oxford?”
“The matter is that in this world only a fish doesn’t know what water is, because it knows only water. And only the English people don’t know what English is, because they know only English.”

One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot:
What is the particularity of Russians?”
“Well, The Russians are different from other Europeans. When a Spaniard was modeling the guitar, he was thinking about Woman, that’s because this musical instrument has such a form. When an Italian was modeling the violin, he was thinking about Woman as well. And a Ukrainian, who modeled the bandura, thought about a Woman, his own woman. But I can’t understand: what was a Russian thinking about when he was modeling his balalaika?”

Once a man disappointed in marriage asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Why are girls so beautiful, so charming, so clever like angels, but women are so bad, so boring, and so stupid like witches?”
“That’s because God created the girl, and the man made the woman from the girl,” explained the teacher.

“Do you know how much does a new model of Volvo cost now?”
“Do you know how much does the medicine treatment cost now?”
Suddenly the teacher-polyglot, who had kept silence, intruded into this conversation:
“Let’s talk about music?”
“About music? Do you know how much does a new piano cost now?”

One day during a lesson the teacher-polyglot scolded one schoolgirl.
“What are you thinking about when you should listen to?”
“I try to imagine how people kiss each other, how dogs lick each other. But I can’t imagine how hedgehogs go it?”
“How do hedgehogs it?” the teacher repeated the question. “I think they do it very, very carefully.”

“Whom does God love better: sages or fools?” a pupil asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Pal.
“God loves all of us equally,” the teacher replied.
“Why do the fools live better than the wise people?”
“The wise enjoy wisdom, the fools enjoy money. That’s why God gives wisdom for the wise and money for the fools.”

One day a schoolgirl asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Did you have many dreams as you were a child?”
“Yes, I dreamt of much,” the teacher replied.
“Have you realized one of your child’s dreams at least?”
“Yes, as a child, I wanted very much to be a grown-up.”

Do you want more? If you study foreign languages, enter the forum: http://polyread.zbord.ru
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#6 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 22.01.2010 – 00:22

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!
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#7 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 22.01.2010 – 01:21

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you survive?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Повідомлення відредагував Dovgapanchoha: 22.01.2010 – 01:31

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#8 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 09.06.2010 – 22:54

Довго сміялась...)

The Layoff

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."

"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

P.S. lay smb off - звільнити когось з роботи
lay smb - переспати з кимось
jack off - мастурбувати

Повідомлення відредагував Dovgapanchoha: 09.06.2010 – 22:56

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#9 Dovgapanchoha


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Відправлено 17.06.2010 – 11:55

Blind man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"
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#10 Sergiy_K


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Відправлено 24.07.2010 – 10:26


If you want to fuck the sky,
You must teach your dick to fly!
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#11 kalamar


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Відправлено 28.07.2010 – 20:44

Перегляд дописуSergiy_K (24.07.2010 11:26) писав:


If you want to fuck the sky,
You must teach your dick to fly!
Гм, певний що то англійський гумор, а не місцевий витвір?
Але як на те пішло, то

There was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went. :blink:
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#12 Теж пасічник...


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Відправлено 28.07.2010 – 21:37

This is real story
when my friend across the USA border customer asked him
- What is your name?
-Sergey - he give the answer.
- Ser Who? asked customer.
After this story he remember very well that his name is Serhiy
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